Still Waters
by littleoddball
Summary: After a mission Spock is forced to rethink his decision as a father. Slash but no Mpreg. Other pairings hinted at. Hope you enjoy :P Please Review Rating just to be safe


Disclaimer: I wish I did but I don't so excuse me while I go live in denial and pretend they are mine TT

Erm, this is my first Trekslash and I hope you enjoy. Haven't written in ages so I am hoping this fic is a way I can work out the kinks (pun not intended)

Probably not the best as it was written at 4 in the frickin morning so any help would be appreciated.

Light particles danced to the tune of Scotty's squeaking chair as he gently rocked out his impatience for the beaming to complete, transporting the Away team back to the ship. Scotty imagined that it was like the final scene from any children's book. One minute the heroes stood surrounded by the grateful village after accomplishing their good deeds before they disappeared, only to be called in times of dire need. Nobody cared where the heroes went when all was set right. They rode off into the sunset, many assumed to the next heroic act. This was not the case, for Scotty knew that heroes where not some immortal superior being, whose sole purpose was to right wrongs, defend the weaker entities and restore order and justice to the land. Scotty knew these heroes, knew that they were not lone figures facing off against impossible odds, they had family, friends, lovers and children to come home to for no doubt they also bled and cried and mourned during the struggles, the only difference was that they had to wait for it to be over before they could fall apart. And in this time, when the air was no longer filled with battle cries and helpless screams could they finally do that. Safe in the knowledge that other so called heroes were there to catch them.

The heroes of heroes, the one that had to stay behind and deal with the damaged their loved ones had suffered dealing with other people's pain.

Scotty looked up as the four figures finally materialised fully. Spock was stoic still, staring at space. Nurse Chapel shook, her arms around wrapped around herself as she held in her sobs. Sulu clutched his side as he breathed through a stitch, Uhura's fingers twitched as she re-holstered her phaser, all three stared at the ground trying to assert their rank into their composure rather than give into the basic human need to seek comfort.

'_Sod that_' Scotty thought, they were mortal on this ship and they were allowed to lose it. He unhooked his eyepiece from his face before trotting up to his wife, embracing her as she clung to him. A commotion at the doorway drew his attention as Chekov and a thirteen year old Joanna were attempting to enter the room at the same time. Eventually reminding himself that he had fought his reputation as a child, Chekov allowed her through. The two shook themselves before rushing over to offer their own brand of comfort, the tension of the room lessened as Uhura returned Joanna's hug and Sulu rested his forehead against Chekov, sharing warmth, breath and words, anything to reinstate the fact that they were safely back home. And Just like that the tension in the air dimmed, the silence which was always an aftermath of a battle was slowing stolen away with whispers of "it'salright.I''''ssafe"

The atmosphere of in the room took a turn for the worse though as Spock strode past the small group. Scotty watched him leave, stopping only to allow his son past. Jamie clasped his mother's elbow before addressing his father.

"They still fightin?"

Scotty observed the retreating back of the Vulcan as he sped down the corridor.

"Aye but not for much longer."

It was illogical to expect Kirk to be waiting with the others for the team's return. He knew this, yet still it stung to see the others welcomed so warmly while his significant other was unable to do so, never mind the fact that they had not been on speaking terms for some time.

"_Oh please no, please I don't want to die, please oh please please please-"_

Spock shock his head, his pace never wavered as the thoughts plagued him. The stench of death covered him and he resisted the urge to change directions and head to the nearest sonic shower. To scrub himself clean of that planet and those memories that sunk deeply into his mind like rocks to the bottom of a pond, throwing the surface into chaos as the ripples began to appear.

"_They told me it was going to be okay, that we were on the right side, that we were the goodies and the good guys always win. Owww it hurts, it hurts real bad, please, no more."_

He knew of one way to settling the emotions currently crashing within him. Swiftly turning a corner he reached the tuborlift. Selecting the correct level for the sickbay, Spock closed his eyes as he was once again pulled under the onslaught of cries.

"_Father told me this was something I had to do, I don't wanna be a soldier anymore"_

Dr. McCoy glanced up from lecturing a child (one of Chekov twins, Spock noted) who was nursing a black eye. He sat the boy off of the biobed, who bowed to both before swiftly exiting. Spock nodded curtly before continuing towards the back of the room. The doctor followed

"You alright?"

"_Can't you stop it? Please it's so cold and I'm, I'm afraid. Don't let me go please. It's getting dark."_

"Please inform the captain that the mission was successful and it would be illogical to remain in this area."

"Why don't you tell him yourself? Dammit I'm a doctor not your message boy, whatever issues you two have, y'all need to-"

"Thank you for your input, perhaps you can convey your suggestion as well as my own when you speak to the captain."

He watched Dr. McCoy grumbled under his breath before he left to stab the buttons on the communications device. McCoy cast wary eyes on Spock, his medical instincts screaming that something was amiss with the First Officer. The conversation with the Captain did little to question his intuition.

"Kirk here."

"You better get down here."

"What happened? Is Spock there, is he alright?"

"I think he needs you."

"I'll be right there."

Spock turned his head away when McCoy ended the call. His head was filling with noise and he was drowning in war-cries and screams of death. Grasping the curtain surrounding the last biobed he pulled it back to revel the small body nestled in the blankets.

Jennifer Georgina Amanda Kirk snuffled in her sleep, her dirty blonde hair matted to her head and her pointed ears a furious red matching the colour of her cheeks. She opened bleary blue eyes, searching for the disturbance that awoken her. Her eyes brightened at the sight of Spock and she shyly smiled up at him.

"You're back."

"_Are they still here? Are they coming back?! Is it safe?"_

He nodded, his eyes scanning her for any signs of distress.

"Yes. How are you feeling?"

"_It really hurts"_

"Fine- Well I mean, Bones said my fever's broke so I can leave though I'm still not strong enough to take on both of the twins."

"A task that shall have to wait another day then, go back to sleep, I should not have woken you." He pressed their fingers together as she stifled a yawn.

"S'okay, just glad you're back" she murmured before twisting back into the sheets.

"We both are" a third voice chimed in.

Kirk moved quickly to his daughter's side taking due care to bump his arm against Spock when he reached the bed. A quick check ensured she was protected from this conversation that was about to occur. Steeling himself for the aged old battle of stubborn logic versus emotional hard-headedness, Kirk busied himself looking at Jennifer's readouts.

"Well you'll be pleased to know Jenny's over the worst of the illness and she has not been wasting all her time fighting it, she has now given us a method of telling the twins apart."

"Yuri's blackeye?"

"Apparently one of them made a crack about you going planet-side with a red shirt on. Honestly-"

Kirk faced Spock stopping when he caught the look in his eyes.

"Spock?"

"Jim, I am sorry. I no longer wish to continue with the silence we've both adopted in our disagreement."

Jim blinked, securing the blankets around his daughter.

"I don't like arguing in silence either, my head gets too full of witty comebacks and awesome one-liners, but I will not back down from this Spock."

"I know and I understand, it was illogical of me to attempt to force the ritual on Jennifer."

"She's a child, Spock, you shouldn't want to fob her off onto someone else. She's our kid and I won't have her shuffled off to some Vulcan boy because it's tradition. You should want to be the one there for her." He hissed

"Is that was you think? Jim, I merely wished her to have the best chance of finding her T'hyla."

"She's ten! As far as she concerned, boys are merely things you throw rocks at and that no man is ever gonna match up to her fathers!"

And with that clarity struck Spock.

"...Do you really believe that I wish to offload her to someone else? Jim, believe me when I say I do not want to lose my daughter or send her away. I only want her to find the happiness you two have brought me and I thought a meld would've achieved that. Jim when we first found out we were with child we both swore that your stepfather's behaviour would not influence our parenting skills."

"I know you're not Frank, I know you're not going to leave us in the dirt, it's just all this talk about her future...I just don't want to lose her to some guy just yet."

"_Please I want to go now, I want off this battlefield, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!!! I want my mom, please Mr. Spock just take me home, take me home."_

"I understand Jim, I truly do"

Spock pulled Jim towards him, burying his head in his neck as the dam burst and the images came flooding in. Jim flinched as he too was swept up in the tide of horror.

The mission was to investigate a quiet planet just off the north quadrant in the hopes that some new life-form may be discovered. They had arrived four days ago, a day after Kirk and Spock had the mother of all arguments over how best to find a suitable life-partner for Jenny. It had ended in harsh words and an even harsher quiet as Jenny looked on with tears in her eyes. It was illogical for blame to be thrown about when she had taken ill that same day however it did little to stop the two of them. Nearly 15 years together should've taught them better and many, namely Bones believed it did, in that it taught them the fastest way to turn a civil discussion into a brawl. Kirk failed to take in Spock's childhood loneliness as reason for the ceremony and Spock failed to recalled how Frank's abuse and neglect had tarnish Kirk's view on parental instincts and how strong and loyal they could be, so the atmosphere was frosty when they parted ways as Spock left. While others received longer embraces and vows to come back, he left with a curt order "not to die"

Easier said than done.

They arrived in a time of unrest. Two tribes fighting over land and it's valuable resources. The battle had yet to commence and already emotions were running high. Nurse Chapel was tending the ill while Uhura attempted to negotiate a truce between the tribe leaders. Sulu and Spock had taken to discussing how to divide the resources. Two days in and all hell broke loose.

One insult thrown across the waste land had gathered momentum and had become one too far. The bugle sounded and the battle began. The day passed in blood and cries. The air rang thick with pleas for dying, loved ones begging that others be spared, cries of pure agony sounded out as the night fell.

A miracle presented itself when Sulu stumbled upon an oasis underground. But the carnage still raged on for several hours before peace could be obtained...though for some it was too late.

Moving along the land as loved ones mourned over the fallen, Spock was hoping to sieve out any survivors...and that was when he happened upon Ne-amed. The youngling was lying in a shallow ditch half buried under the carcass of his adult opponent. His blue skin a sickly grey, his arm bent at the wrong angle, his antennas plucked from his head lay scattered around his body like fallen petals, from what Spock could see they seemed like superficial wounds and a fortunate ending for the young lad....until Spock moved his adversary off of him and was able to fully assess the damage this day had brought.

His stomach was ripped apart, intestines poured out onto his battle robes, unravelling onto the already blood-soaked earth. It was at this point that the boy's green eyes flew open as oxygen stumbled into his shredded lungs. Spock lunged to help him sit up despite the fact that logic declared that nothing could be done to aid the boy.

"He was twelve years old Jim, and he just wanted to go home to his mother. "

Jim shield Spock in his embrace as the images of the boy spluttering through choked-up blood begged his T'hyla to take him home collided through their bond. Spock shook as he continued his narration.

"He died 3.2 minutes later. There was nothing that could be done. However it was agreed that his last wish should be granted...so we took him home."

Again visions swan in front of Jim's mind of a grieving mother and sombre father thanking them for taking him home. The mother cast her down over the still form of her child (Nurse Chapel had done her best to stitch up the wounds, kirk noted.) as the father rose to stand tall, claiming pride in his son's actions, Na-amed's father (Spock never learned his name) preached that he could now boost his son died a man. Jim released a bitter laugh as Nurse Chapel surged forth, ready to deliver a blow when she was beaten to it.

The father reeled back from the slap his wife dealt him.

"He was twelve, he was no man, he was a boy, HE WAS MY BOY! And you sent him off to battle, you sent him to his death, for land, for pieces of rock." She spat at him as she pummelled her fists into his cheeks before gathering her son in her arms, rocking him as she had no doubt done so in the past, sobbing broken words into his severed ear.

It was all too much; the rush of sound after the battle's silence and all of it was misery, pain and death. But still Jim held on all the tighter and rode the emotions out with him.

Spock disentangled himself from his arms and cast a glance to his daughter. Jim followed his line of sight and thought it seemed, as he bent his head to whisper in Spock's ear.

"We're safe, we're right here. You're home now. It's safe here."

"An illogical statement Jim."

But something he needed to hear.

It was an hour later and the two made their way back to their shared quarters. Spock carrying his child, delighting in the small soft breaths and fluttering heartbeat and how very different the sensation of holding her was to that of Ne-amed. Jim had melded himself to his side, his head on his shoulder and his arm around his waist, determined to keep him grounded in this moment of security and sanity. Spock tilted his head, allowing it to rest in Jim's hair. A soft chuckle shone through the moment as Jim looked ahead.

"We might not have to worry about Jenny finding a guy after all."

"Indeed, however I suggest we discourage any of this behaviour until they are both of sufficient age" Spock supplied as he observed the lone yellow camomile that was placed in front of their door.

The doors glided gently open as they approached, Jim picking up the flower as he passed. He hummed as he sat about getting Jennifer into pyjamas and steering her into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Spock turned down the sheets before sitting down on the edge, content to watch his T'hyla handled the night-time preparations. Soon after Jenny emerged and drowsily made her way over to him. Noticing her still red cheeks Spock gently lifted her into his lap in order to coax her back to sleep. Jim watched the scene carefully, warmed by it but wary too that Spock would draw parallels between today's events. The tightening of his arms was the only indication that he was.

"Jim, in lieu of extenuating circumstances what with Jennifer's illness, as well as certain others, perhaps she can allowed to remain with us tonight."

Jenny turned to him with a hopeful look on her face, her excitement overshadowing the confusion that her papa would suggest such an illogical thing.

"Can we daddy?"

Jim looked from one expectant face to the other albeit more subtle one.

"I'd be hard-pressed to say no to either of those puppy-dog eyes, alright you can stay. But just for tonight."

"Yes!" Jenny cheered as she scurried over to the top of the bed. Jim and Spock followed at a slower pace after finishing up their routines. The three burrowed themselves in to the covers. Jenny latched onto Spock's side, surrounded by both her fathers, as Jim brushed Spock's bangs aside with a gentle smile before clasping his bondmate's hand. This night was not over as Spock knew the nightmares would come and his head would once again be filled with the splattered screams of the scared and damned and the broken lullabies of a more broken mother. This had affected him much more than it should, perhaps the notion that in another time, it may have been his daughter being brought him to him, sown up like a ragdoll before being filed away into the earth she had to have fought for. Would Jim have laced blamed on him, tarnish his skin with bruises and curses too, would he distance himself? Cut him off from the last piece of family he had? Would all he be left with be tattered song?-

A small note carried through the room, Jim sensing his over stimulated thoughts had picked up the song he had been humming early that day enticing Spock back from his mind, and Jenny continued it with her own answering melody. Soon the silence was once again fought off as the room filled with a small soft song. Spock closed his eyes as the two songs intertwined in his mind, an ode to the lost and a praise to the ones that live on.

Yes the night was not over and yes the storm in his mind would stir up the debris of these terrible occurrences. The lasting cries and hopeless looks floating around inside his head like flotsam and jetsam would undoubtedly tangle around him as he continued on his course. However he was sure that his home on the Enterprise would always be his safe port and with the crew and his family he would weather on.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND there we have it :P I don't know what I was thinking but there is a lot of water phrases in this...maybe I just really want to go to the beach or since it's Ireland it's been raining non-stop, which I love to be honest

Please Review


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